update on loss #2

I can't believe I haven't posted anything in 4 months but it's been a busy 4 months! Where do I start?

Let's see...

Soon after New Year's we bought a house and closed less than a month later. What a whirlwind. We had to do all the paperwork to close, pack up the apartment, and oh yeah...tear down and rebuild a bunch of walls...paint every room, blah blah blah. Phew!

In the middle of all of this, I found out I was pregnant again. It was so exciting yet I was very nervous and hesitant to believe it was true. I had been charting my temperature and that showed a possible pregancy, then I took a pregnancy test which was positive, so I called the doctor. We set up blood tests as usual. After my second blood test, I waited and waited for them to call me back with the results but they didn't call until after 6pm.

I knew then that it was bad news.

We were in Home Depot trying to make some last minute purchases for the house when they called. Now, if you were going to call wouldn't you have my chart handy and maybe have glanced at it? Nope. The nurse called and asked me why I was doing the blood test. "Umm because I'm pregnant." Then she asked how I knew. Come on!! As I started to panic and get choked up she finally decided to be compassionate as she told me that the numbers had dropped and this meant that AGAIN it was not a viable pregnancy and was having a miscarriage.

Needless to say we didn't finish our shopping. I was devastated. What was I doing wrong??? Of course my doctor's response was "nothing" and that this was a good sign because it wasn't Ectopic again and "at least we know I can get pregnant." Well gee wiz, that helps!

It was so hard to wait for the tissue to pass, and then it was excruciatingly painful. I teared up everytime I went to the bathroom and had to see the clumps of tissue (sorry gross I know) because I knew it was my baby. But I had to be strong and keep going because there was a house to finish and moving to do.

Now we are settled in and finally back to trying. It took a few months because I was so emotional that I didn't even want to be touched. I think I'm getting back to normal but I'm so scared to go through all of this again.

Happy, sad, happy, sad...what's next? And when?