nighttime is the worst

I'm so tired yet I can bear to go to sleep. I'll do anything to avoid going to bed.

Check emails.
Play solitaire.
Watch tv.
Check emails again.
Play some more solitaire.

I know I'm only avoiding the inevitable and I know I'll pay for it tomorrow at work, but I can't help it. I can't bring myself to get ready and go to bed because I know what comes next.

I know the second I crawl under the covers, turn out the lights and close my eyes that the sadness and memories will take over. I know all I will be able to think about is how much I wish I was pregnant and how much I wish my baby had survived. I know I'll be overcome with grief and sorrow which will eventually turn into anger, feelings of guilt and heartache.

I'm loosing the battle. I can feel my eyelids getting heavier and I know soon I will have to give in. Maybe just one more game of solitaire first...