unmerry christmas

So today was the big day...Christmas. It used to be my favorite day of the year but this year was so different.

I've tryed desperately to get into the holiday spirit but I just couldn't. We made cookies and all I could think about was how much fun it would to be making them with our (nonexistent) children. I listened to Christmas music and became more depressed. Then I figured maybe my family would cheer me up. Boy was I wrong.

I know everyone is trying to be helpful and supportive but man do they have a strange way of showing it. My poor husband is the only one that gets me and my pain and can calm me down. Everyone else just makes it worse.

I woke up this morning depressed and feeling like shit. It took every ounce of me to drag my ass out of bed to get ready for work. Once at work, I did my usual and threw on my best fake holiday smile. It worked for about 3/4 of the day. Then I hit my breaking point and one of my co-workers told me I needed to go home because I'd turned into the grinch. I decided she was right and packed it up.

We had dinner plans at my families house but I thought it would be okay. I thought it would be low key since we had a big dinner planned for next week. Instead I came home to be told by my husband that we were supposed to make an appetizer and bring presents to do tonight...so much for low key!!

So what was the worst part of the night? Let's see... Maybe it was when my family asked if I was pregnant and "are you sure?" Or wait, maybe it was when they said they were convinced I would be pregnant by New Year's. No I know, it was when my presents consisted of Dr. Oz's book "You Pregnant" and a pair of baby socks.

Doesn't anyone get it??? Why would someone who loves me so much do something so stupid? I know they thought it sweet and optomistic but it felt more like a knife to the gut at the time. Is this ever going to get easier? Ugh...the joy of holidays!