So today was the big day...Christmas. It used to be my favorite day of the year but this year was so different.
I've tryed desperately to get into the holiday spirit but I just couldn't. We made cookies and all I could think about was how much fun it would to be making them with our (nonexistent) children. I listened to Christmas music and became more depressed. Then I figured maybe my family would cheer me up. Boy was I wrong.
I know everyone is trying to be helpful and supportive but man do they have a strange way of showing it. My poor husband is the only one that gets me and my pain and can calm me down. Everyone else just makes it worse.
I woke up this morning depressed and feeling like shit. It took every ounce of me to drag my ass out of bed to get ready for work. Once at work, I did my usual and threw on my best fake holiday smile. It worked for about 3/4 of the day. Then I hit my breaking point and one of my co-workers told me I needed to go home because I'd turned into the grinch. I decided she was right and packed it up.
We had dinner plans at my families house but I thought it would be okay. I thought it would be low key since we had a big dinner planned for next week. Instead I came home to be told by my husband that we were supposed to make an appetizer and bring presents to do tonight...so much for low key!!
So what was the worst part of the night? Let's see... Maybe it was when my family asked if I was pregnant and "are you sure?" Or wait, maybe it was when they said they were convinced I would be pregnant by New Year's. No I know, it was when my presents consisted of Dr. Oz's book "You Pregnant" and a pair of baby socks.
Doesn't anyone get it??? Why would someone who loves me so much do something so stupid? I know they thought it sweet and optomistic but it felt more like a knife to the gut at the time. Is this ever going to get easier? Ugh...the joy of holidays!
Friday, December 25, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
nighttime is the worst
I'm so tired yet I can bear to go to sleep. I'll do anything to avoid going to bed.
Check emails.
Play solitaire.
Watch tv.
Check emails again.
Play some more solitaire.
I know I'm only avoiding the inevitable and I know I'll pay for it tomorrow at work, but I can't help it. I can't bring myself to get ready and go to bed because I know what comes next.
I know the second I crawl under the covers, turn out the lights and close my eyes that the sadness and memories will take over. I know all I will be able to think about is how much I wish I was pregnant and how much I wish my baby had survived. I know I'll be overcome with grief and sorrow which will eventually turn into anger, feelings of guilt and heartache.
I'm loosing the battle. I can feel my eyelids getting heavier and I know soon I will have to give in. Maybe just one more game of solitaire first...
Check emails.
Play solitaire.
Watch tv.
Check emails again.
Play some more solitaire.
I know I'm only avoiding the inevitable and I know I'll pay for it tomorrow at work, but I can't help it. I can't bring myself to get ready and go to bed because I know what comes next.
I know the second I crawl under the covers, turn out the lights and close my eyes that the sadness and memories will take over. I know all I will be able to think about is how much I wish I was pregnant and how much I wish my baby had survived. I know I'll be overcome with grief and sorrow which will eventually turn into anger, feelings of guilt and heartache.
I'm loosing the battle. I can feel my eyelids getting heavier and I know soon I will have to give in. Maybe just one more game of solitaire first...
Monday, December 21, 2009
sometimes hearing it is just as bad
I thought I had come to terms with our bad fortune. I thought it would be easier to hear my husband tell someone than have to tell them myself. BUT it was just as hard.
My stomach twisted into a knot. It became stuffy in the air. I felt the tears forming in my eyes.
When will this pass? When will I be able to hear the words "we lost the baby" without feeling a part of me die inside? Why can't I let this go?
Then their is the part where he says "maybe next time". This is when I can't stop the tears and I think I'm going to puke.
When will I have faith that it will happen again? When will my body be ready again? Will everything be okay this time?
Eventually...
My stomach twisted into a knot. It became stuffy in the air. I felt the tears forming in my eyes.
When will this pass? When will I be able to hear the words "we lost the baby" without feeling a part of me die inside? Why can't I let this go?
Then their is the part where he says "maybe next time". This is when I can't stop the tears and I think I'm going to puke.
When will I have faith that it will happen again? When will my body be ready again? Will everything be okay this time?
Eventually...
Saturday, December 19, 2009
from the beginning
Okay, I'm in a better place today so let me try to start from the beginning.
I've wanted a baby for a long time. My yearning probably started at the birth of my brother when I was 10 years old. I was lucky enough to take classes about birthing and be allowed into the delivery room. Yeah I was young, but I guess you could say I was a mature kid. It was the most amazing day of my life....seeing a child come into the world...there are no words to describe it. From that day forward he was my reason, my purpose, my love. I helped feed him, bath him, change him. Two years later his sister was born as well. It was so much fun watching them grow up and as they got bigger and I got older, I was asked to care for them more and more. I guess looking back on it it all seems a little strange. I should have been thinking about boys and barbies but instead all I cared about was these adorable little angels.
The older they got and the older I got, the more I found issues with my families parenting styles. Not that they did anything bad or wrong, just not what I thought was best. Then again what did I know right?! Well it didn't matter. This was about the time I started craving my own child to love and cherish and raise my way. I knew I was way to young and I wasn't in any place to have a baby, but I yearned the day that my dreams would come true.
At about 20 years old I learned that I had Endometriosis and through the trials and tribulations of that nightmare I was told many times that I would likely have trouble with fertility. Still I was bound and determined to try when the timing was right. Well as always happens, time dragged on and on and on. Still no Mr. Perfect in my life.
Finally 2 years ago I found "the one" and we were married. He was equally eager to have children and we decided a year ago to start trying. We went to see a local OB-GYN for advice. He recommended we try for 6 months and if we weren't successful we would start fertility treatments immediately.
Well 6 months later we were back and set up for a bunch of lab tests. Then the strangest thing happened...the doctor called to say the tests came back and I was PREGNANT! What? Is this for real? Here we were about to start fertility treatments and we were actually successful on our own. It was the happiest day of my life!
Then the nightmare began. My doctor was concerned given my history so we were watching my HCG levels closely. Unfortunately they didn't do what they should and after a few weeks my doctor was very concerned. After an ultrasound and more blood tests, he explained that it was not a viable pregancy and that he was concerned it could be ectopic. He explained that if it was ectopic I was at great risk and we needed to make some decisions. This was the worst day of my life!
That week he performed surgery and confirmed that it was ectopic. I had to be treated with medication to help terminate the pregnancy before it burst and killed us both. I couldn't believe after all this, it was over....just like that. It was devastating and excruciatingly painful emotionally. I didn't know how to go on without my baby...my dream come true.
But some how, some way, we always survive.
They said it should be easy to get pregnant again. They said this time everything should be okay. They said to just give it time and it would happen.
But it feels like forever and it's not happening. In reality it has only been 3-4 months but each month is harder than the last. When will it happen? When will I finally have my dream? When will I become pregant again? Will this time be for real? Will it be successful?
This is my story...
I've wanted a baby for a long time. My yearning probably started at the birth of my brother when I was 10 years old. I was lucky enough to take classes about birthing and be allowed into the delivery room. Yeah I was young, but I guess you could say I was a mature kid. It was the most amazing day of my life....seeing a child come into the world...there are no words to describe it. From that day forward he was my reason, my purpose, my love. I helped feed him, bath him, change him. Two years later his sister was born as well. It was so much fun watching them grow up and as they got bigger and I got older, I was asked to care for them more and more. I guess looking back on it it all seems a little strange. I should have been thinking about boys and barbies but instead all I cared about was these adorable little angels.
The older they got and the older I got, the more I found issues with my families parenting styles. Not that they did anything bad or wrong, just not what I thought was best. Then again what did I know right?! Well it didn't matter. This was about the time I started craving my own child to love and cherish and raise my way. I knew I was way to young and I wasn't in any place to have a baby, but I yearned the day that my dreams would come true.
At about 20 years old I learned that I had Endometriosis and through the trials and tribulations of that nightmare I was told many times that I would likely have trouble with fertility. Still I was bound and determined to try when the timing was right. Well as always happens, time dragged on and on and on. Still no Mr. Perfect in my life.
Finally 2 years ago I found "the one" and we were married. He was equally eager to have children and we decided a year ago to start trying. We went to see a local OB-GYN for advice. He recommended we try for 6 months and if we weren't successful we would start fertility treatments immediately.
Well 6 months later we were back and set up for a bunch of lab tests. Then the strangest thing happened...the doctor called to say the tests came back and I was PREGNANT! What? Is this for real? Here we were about to start fertility treatments and we were actually successful on our own. It was the happiest day of my life!
Then the nightmare began. My doctor was concerned given my history so we were watching my HCG levels closely. Unfortunately they didn't do what they should and after a few weeks my doctor was very concerned. After an ultrasound and more blood tests, he explained that it was not a viable pregancy and that he was concerned it could be ectopic. He explained that if it was ectopic I was at great risk and we needed to make some decisions. This was the worst day of my life!
That week he performed surgery and confirmed that it was ectopic. I had to be treated with medication to help terminate the pregnancy before it burst and killed us both. I couldn't believe after all this, it was over....just like that. It was devastating and excruciatingly painful emotionally. I didn't know how to go on without my baby...my dream come true.
But some how, some way, we always survive.
They said it should be easy to get pregnant again. They said this time everything should be okay. They said to just give it time and it would happen.
But it feels like forever and it's not happening. In reality it has only been 3-4 months but each month is harder than the last. When will it happen? When will I finally have my dream? When will I become pregant again? Will this time be for real? Will it be successful?
This is my story...
Friday, December 18, 2009
today...a dark day
I should probably start at the beginning but that would make sense and right now nothing seems to make sense. I'm lost in a world of pain, frustration and sadness. I feel like I lost a part of me and I can never get it back. Yet everything I do is to try to get it back. I know, I'm not making any sense.
I wanted a baby so bad. Since as long as I can remember this was the most important thing in my life....the prospect of having my own little pride and joy. Well for a split second (okay a month or two is more accurate) I had my dream. And then it was ripped away from me and I haven't been the same since.
They said it should be easy to get pregant again and I believed them. But it has been 3 long months and we are still unsuccessful. I'm not sure how much longer I can go through this. I feel like this is all I think about, all I want, all I need. Yet this is causing so much stress and pain which everyone tells me is the worst thing possible if I want to get pregnant. They all say relax and it will happen. BUT they weren't there. They didn't have to feel that living creature inside of them when they gave the doctor permission to terminate the birth.
I know I had no choice. The doctor said it couldn't survive and the longer I waited the more I was at risk as well. BUT that doesn't make it any easier either. Bottom line is I have the only thing I've ever wanted and I had to give it up. How do you cope with that?
I wanted a baby so bad. Since as long as I can remember this was the most important thing in my life....the prospect of having my own little pride and joy. Well for a split second (okay a month or two is more accurate) I had my dream. And then it was ripped away from me and I haven't been the same since.
They said it should be easy to get pregant again and I believed them. But it has been 3 long months and we are still unsuccessful. I'm not sure how much longer I can go through this. I feel like this is all I think about, all I want, all I need. Yet this is causing so much stress and pain which everyone tells me is the worst thing possible if I want to get pregnant. They all say relax and it will happen. BUT they weren't there. They didn't have to feel that living creature inside of them when they gave the doctor permission to terminate the birth.
I know I had no choice. The doctor said it couldn't survive and the longer I waited the more I was at risk as well. BUT that doesn't make it any easier either. Bottom line is I have the only thing I've ever wanted and I had to give it up. How do you cope with that?
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